Help that Hurts


Is there a dark side to compassion?

It's a term which is almost exclusively used in a positive context. There is, apparently, too little compassion in the world: everyone is only looking out for themselves.

As a radically-left socialist my priority is the poor and vulnerable, at least in theory. If I was King for a day I would be all about reducing inequality and raising up the poor. Even my more conservative friends are behind such ideas.

But that is the collective, systematic level... and, as King, it would cost me nothing.

Let's dive deeper and explore the individual level.

When you actually have a flesh and blood human being in front of you who is suffering, it's a whole different story. Only here can we recognize if we are really willing and able to help another human. This can be a beautiful and humbling experience, especially when we realise a bond and commonality with the "unfortunate" other or even end up learning something from them.

Let's dive deeper... who is helping whom? Is our "helpfulness" really helping that person?

I believe strongly that a hungry person or animal should be fed. No arguments or ideology should detract but... give a man a fish...

My socialist side begings to wonder if this train of argument is just me getting old and, as Churchill predicted, becoming a conservative concerned with individual liberty and little social concern or responsibility.

But I will proceed out of my comfort zone.

When we deal with people who are hurt, our first impulse, as empathetic beings is to alleviate the suffering and to "provide solutions". Anyone who has tried to do this with a family member, partner or even a friend will soon learn that it's an excercise in futility.

People want to be seen and heard, they don't want or need a "solution" from you.

Going deeper, a solution from outside will always be a crutch - each human has the healing power within themselves. If we try to give them our medicine, there is a risk it will either be toxic to them or just have no effect.

Deeper still, we rob them of the opportunity of healing themselves. How can they self-empower if they never experience their own strength. The suffering has a cause and a reason: who are we to take this experience from them? Dare we?

(As an aside: this all goes agains my Christian roots of "carrying someone elses cross". But, in truth and in the Gospels, Jesus never carried anyone's cross. He even said to his disciples: can you drink the cup that has been given me? It was a later Pauline addition and mystical interpretation that we all must "partake" in the cup/suffering of Jesus so that we may be raised with him. A lot more could be said about how vicarious the whole deal of Jesus' suffering was since our partaking is in contradiction to the idea of ransom.)

The idea is prevalent even in modern psychology: a good therapist does not provide answers, they provide an open ear and tools for the person to heal and grow. Giving a patient the theory or "answers" does no good whatsoever.

Help them help themselves!

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