Paying for Attention






Are you paying attention? In what currency? In time of course, the most precious and ethereal yet endless resource we have.

Are you paying for attention? I am…

Are we not constantly striving to be liked and cared for (loved)? If love were unconditional we wouldn’t be.

We might be fortunate enough to grow up in families where care (physical and emotional) was given without any demands but usually there is an understanding that bad behaviour results in silence, isolation or even the traditional bed without dinner. So love is conditional, as children we cannot be whatever we want without expecting repercussions.

But, you might say, your folks love you even when they are displeased. One question is whether love is just a general feeling or an action or something else altogether. The essential question however is whether a child actually feels loved in such conflict situations. If not, regardless of intentions, they will learn it’s conditional. Mastering that dilemma as a parent is tricky especially when our own emotions direct us more than our knowledge and will to nurture.

Suffice it to say many of us experience that love is conditional or at least that the attention of parents requires some action or effort on our part. We may need to perform in school, achieve prizes and accolades. Failing that we may even get into trouble or raise alarms everywhere. A tantrum may be more effective than some positive action.

I discovered a pattern today in my own life where I was purposely doing things for others in the hope and expectation that they would eventually do the same for me. I wasn’t even expecting payback in quantity and kind but just that, if I always provided resources and services, I would at some point be able to claim a small compensatory service in gratitude. Mentally I would keep score, maintaining a kind of virtual currency of who owed me and be surprised and hurt when I came to cash in and the account was empty.

Just noticing this unhealthy trend is something I am grateful for. I learned it just walking through the forest and looking inwards and outwards.

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